Note to Self
Emotions.
This isn't a popular thing to talk about. It isn’t a sexy topic by any means. When we talk about emotions we are addressing the parts of us that others don't always understand. The parts of us that are hidden, confusing, or critical. The shadow parts of us. It’s not always fun to talk about emotions, and the topic is a bit murky to the cognitive mind, but it is significant.
Whether we’re feeling pleasant (content, playful, confident) or unpleasant (jealous, irritated, exhausted, embarrassed), emotions help tell a story. Yet, it’s not always the whole story. We try to think through our emotions, but we usually feel our way through them. This can be messy or quite fun, but it’s the unpleasant feelings that often lead to irrational or compulsive behavior.
We can’t just manage or obsessively control our emotions either. We can’t just stop feeling lonely or just pray depression away. It doesn’t always work like that. The more I try to fix my emotions or change my behavior, the more stress I feel. Fixing and managing isn't the goal, the goal is to bring them to light and to heal them.
When it comes to emotions, we need to learn to listen to them in order to heal them. It's learning to let them speak.
Even as I write these words, I fear my emotions will get the best of me. I mean, who really wants to let doubt speak? We fear messy emotions for this reason. We fear looking crazy, rejection, severed relationships, damaged children, or [insert your fear here.]
So I dance between expressing my emotions and suppressing them. If I suppress them, I end up exploding because my body can't take the heat. Tight fists, a clenched jaw, and tense arms can only hold so much resistance until it erupts. At times, I'm able to express my emotions in a healthy way. Other times, they come out like a pinball in a pinball machine, bouncing off anyone who comes my way.
Yet, I press on, imagine, and hope. I press on towards emotional literacy [4]. I imagine healthy emotions in my future. I hope for wholeness of mind, body, and spirit. I envision being free.
Imagine if you lived in such freedom. The freedom to express yourself without fear, disapproval or neglect, without fear of the results. What would that look like for you?
I'm not talking about acting on our emotions. Because, let's be real, sometimes our feelings tell us to quit our job or do harm. It’s not always right to act on what we feel. I’m talking about identifying and expressing what we feel in a way that leads to clarity and truth.
Imagine if you lived in confidence towards ALL of your emotions, the pleasant and unpleasant ones. Imagine if you let them be what they are. What if you lived with complete self-assurance and whole emotions? What if you could identify feeling depressed without the added shame? What if you could identify fear without spiraling into complete hatred, rage, or isolation. How would that affect your day-to-day, your relationships and your self- talk? I think this is the key to living in complete freedom and peace — knowing ALL your emotions are necessary and welcome, and leading them to truth in Jesus.
Through therapy, reading books [1], honest conversations with trusted friends, and time in prayer, this is one process I’ve learned to express and heal my emotions. This may sound simple, but it's a very slow and painful process. These steps help rewire my brain and create healthy expression, especially when unhealthy patterns of anger or anxiety are involved.
Step one: Regulate
Step two: Ask and be curious.
Step three: Repair and ask what God's invitation and truth is.
Here’s an example. Say I'm triggered by something my husband says:
My mind immediately goes into overdrive thinking every negative thought. Going too fast to keep up, my heart races and my jaw clenches. I hear yelling in my head, so I start to yell. I make harsh movements. I slam doors, I storm around the house. I imagine saying hurtful words, so I spew accusations.
I’m dysregulated - the inability to control my behavior and emotions. They’re in a jumbled heap trying to speak all at once.
Step one: Regulate. Rediscover relaxed arms, an un-clenched jaw, and pressure release between my brows. Breathe to slow down my activated body and mind. Do jumping jacks, take a walk or run, or go to the calming corner in my bedroom.
I know how hard it is breathe and choose calm when your nerves and bones feel angry. Sometimes just saying to yourself, “I know how hard this is for you” is enough to start slowing down.
Step two: Ask and stay curious. When I feel my mind slow down and pressure release, I identify what I feel and the beliefs my feelings carry [1] —
“I feel anger and dismissed.”
"I believe that if I don't control the situation without anger, then I will fail at life."
“I believe that if I don’t rage out, then I’ll be neglected or misrepresented in the end.”
This is a harsh reality, and to get here takes an open mind and humilty, but allowing your body and mind to speak can disarm its intent to control. This is a picture of grace.
Step Three: Repair and ask what the invitation is. I ask the Lord to meet me in my beliefs. I stay curious towards anger and fear. What would happen if I'm misrepresented? What would happen if I fail? God then invites me to trust him in the moment and to let messy be. To let Him heal the wounded, triggered me.
This is a very condensed version of the process I learned through the book Boundaries for Your Soul [1]. It can happen throughout your day or over several days. I journal my thoughts, or take a walk and release them. Either way, this process gives the permission to feel, express, and wonder what the invitation is. The goal is emotional freedom led by God's truth and warm embrace.
I never learned how to do this when I was growing up, but I'm thankful I'm learning this now. When I start to lose hope, it helps to remember that I’m noticing survival behaviors and unlearning generational ones [3]. I'm rewiring stuck neurons in my brain. That's like trying to repair rock erosion that's happend over decades. This is not a “try harder” process, it's a death-to-self one. It's utter dependence on Christ’s death and resurrection in us. So grace, grace!
I'm thankful that I'm changing these patterns and paving a path towards healthy emotions.
This right here is the greatest gift I can give to my son, my family and to myself. To truly experience compassion towards all my feelings, learn to express them in a healthy way, and stay curious when I do. We cannot “perform” this process or perfect it. We will definitely mess up and do it differently each time, but the more we bring light to the shadow parts of us, the more we walk towards freedom and wholeness of mind. May God lead you to His light, to self-acceptance, and unconditional love.
Note to Self
Today, I speak to my fragile heart who is burdened by the feeling of failure. I repair negative self-talk with gracious talk. I invite you in on the conversation and may it lead you to speak kindness and curiosity to any big or small emotion you feel today.
I imagine sitting with this part of me over a warm cup of chai and leaning in to listen.
Dear fearful and failed self,
I'm sorry for shaming you. You needed space to speak, and I didn't provide that for you. You needed to express something, and I shut you down because I wanted things to be perfect.
I'm sorry for letting judgement rule the day, when all you wanted was an embrace. You wanted to be heard. You wanted to speak. You've held a lot in all these years. I'm here with you now, ready to listen. It's okay if you don't know how to say all that you've been holding, you haven't had the chance to learn or try.
Self: I forgive you. I’m still scared, but I forgive you.
What do you need me to know now?
Self: I need to know that I'm okay. I need to know that I’m still loved if I’m not perfect.
You are okay and I love you. God is with us now. He says we are free in Him and loved by him especially in our imperfections. He says we are safe with him forever.
Resources
Boundaries for Your Soul Allison Cook PhD + Kimberly Miller MTh, LMFT
Widen the Window Elizabeth A. Stanley PhD